the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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