I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
