what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
