He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
