you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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