member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
