Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
