You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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