Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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