dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
