I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize