chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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