You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
