at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
