I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
