allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
