i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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