Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
