Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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