remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
