My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
