This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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