I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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