I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
