I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
