Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
