Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
