she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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