What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
