today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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