I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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