i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
