I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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