I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
