If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
