Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize