i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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