you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
