I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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