i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
