Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
