she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
