There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Come see our sink grown plant.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
