i don't like sucking hair
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
