Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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