What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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