I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
