I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
