ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
