I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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