You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
