He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
