Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you win again, gameday.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
