this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
